I have misjudged lots of people in my life.  Judged some as worth knowing and hanging with, some as not worth knowing.  I'm sure that I have turned a lot of people off, too, and they have misjudged me.  

The greatest pain has been in trusting, loving, relying on, expecting BFFness when it was not justified.  Perhaps the greatest poverty came from not trusting the right people enough.  I don't know.  I have reached a point that trying to get along with other people and get what I need seems too damned complicated.

I read a lot of stuff that says you get back what you put out.  Not in one lifetime you don't.  Some of the most genuinely nice people I have ever met get back scorn, ridicule, abuse and teeth-kicking. Some of the smartest, hardest-working people I know get back being passed over, blamed for someone else's error, poverty, illness, and generally being ignored.

I've reached a point where I just don't expect anything from anyone any more.  I look around and see people who do not see the world, or other people in it as they are.  Me, I have given up on trying to understand other people.  So if I don't understand you, don't take it personally.  I watch you, listen to you, and there are so many conflicts I cannot tell who the real you is.  

OK so some of you may be saying, I don't know who the real you is either.  Sure you do.  It's just that I'm no longer trying to tell anyone or enlighten anyone about who I am.  You're going to have to put the pieces together about me just like you make me do about you.  

Right this moment I feel, old, tired, emotionally drained and frankly somewhat terrified.  Feelings, though, unless one is seriously mentally disturbed, are transitory. It might be a short transit,  It might be a long one.  Feelings aren't who I am.  

So here's the quiz that proves that you know who I am.

1.  You're feeling great.  Just had a health problem cured, took an astounding vacation, won a terrific prize (or the lottery), got married, had a baby, got a raise, a new job, bought a new house.
      a.  I ignore your joy, say nothing to you about it.
      b.  I say something truly envious (different from teasingly 
      c.  I rejoice in your happiness and let you know it.
      d.  I tell other people you don't deserve it.

2.  You're feeling horrible -- stressed, depressed, scared, 
     lonely,  isolated and confused.
     a.  I tell you to quit having a pity party.
     b.  I tell you to go cry on someone else's shoulder.
     c.  I say nothing and act like a stranger.
     e.  I offer an ear, a prayer, an idea, or simply 

There you go, two simple questions that will tell you who I am if you have been paying any attention at all.  Here's one last hint.

I'll apologize where I feel I did you wrong, and, if I can, I'll make it right.  That doesn't mean I want to be friends again, necessarily.  I'll give you what for when I think you owe me an apology; that doesn't mean I hate you.

What I really want right now is to find a crochet pattern for a baby-sized ripple afghan and get the materials to make two of them for the babies my angel neighbor is having in November.  A boy and a girl.  I also want him to find a GOOD new job!  He deserves one.  



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