What I would wish for all I love.  


I would wish that you feel loved.  I would hope that you feel loved enough to quit destroying yourself with alcohol and other drugs.  That you would feel loved enough that you do not feel the need to try to control anyone but yourself.  I wish you to feel loved enough to know that if you behave lovingly to someone else, you grow in love, even if they don't behave lovingly back. Why?  You grow because love lives inside of you, and the more of it you push out into the world, the more it grows.  .When you love yourself, and I do not mean feel prideful or superior to others, just love yourself  so that you do not accept any kind of abuse from others, do not talk badly to yourself about yourself, and do not feel any urge to self-destruct, you will feel loved every minute of every day.  People of faith would say you have made contact with the the Holy Spirit or have gotten right with God.  The Bible tells us that "the Kingdom of God is within."  To me,  this kind of peace is reaching the bit of God I believes lives within all of us, the place where unconditional love lives. I'm not sure what non-believers call it, maybe being "One with the Universe."  Whatever you call it, reaching that point feels wonderful.


I would also wish that you would know this:


It is the people who love you most who will tell you the things you least want to hear.  The people who don't mention you have a problem with alcohol, who don't try to get you off drugs, who don't tell you your attitude is unloving, selfish  -- those people do not love you.  They do not care if you keep losing jobs, lovers, spouses, friends,   money, whatever you are losing by doing the things you do.


Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry, except to those who already know for sure you love them (and that may be fewer people than you think).  You are human, each and every one of you.  You will hurt almost everyone you love at some point in your lives.  Even if they know for sure that you love them, you may not need to say you're sorry, but it can't hurt.  You can never know what thing you said, or what thing you did made them feel unloved, especially if they never tell you.


Saying "I love you" may say less than a hug after an argument.  


So...I am sorry for the things I have done and said that made any one of you feel unloved.  


I do not pretend to love everyone.  There are people who have made me feel so unloved, and I know these particular people will never say "I'm sorry" to me, because most of them will never acknowledge that they ever said or did anything.  I ask God to forgive me for being unable to love them, and to forgive them for being so afraid to admit to being human that they have actually hurt someone.  Then I let them go.  In a sense, they are dead to me.


The rest of you:  those who acknowledge they are human and may have hurt me by word or deed -- I love you.  I have no money, material gifts, cannot afford to send flowers, chocolates, or even cards.  I have only this to offer:  you and I are humans travelling through life together.  We may not always agree.  We may each get mad, say things that hurt.  I know I am really bad about saying "so--and-so is so stupid" when what I really mean is "I cannot understand where that attitude so-and-so has comes from."  I hope we do not wish each other to suffer, and will do what we can, genuinely, to alleviate or understand each other's suffering.


I am sorry.  I have failed more times than I am aware of to speak or type lovingly to you.  I'm REALLY human with all the failings I have.  But I love you.  I wish you joy, freedom from pain, suffering, fear, loneliness, bitterness.  
 


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